Back to work from Maternity Leave…
What a brutal awakening.
How short-lived.
How eye-opening.
What intense guilt.
If you’ve read my other posts you’d know that all I’ve ever wanted is to be a mama. Watch my babies grow up, hit their milestones and watch them as they conquer a new growth spurt or sleep regression. Roll, crawl, walk for the first time. Going back to work takes that from me. I’m more likely to miss those milestones working full time.
It's so hard to even picture a moment without my blessing, my answered prayer. When I went back to work after I had my Luca, back in 2022, I had an empty room, empty arms and a hole in my heart. I had no reason to go back to work and no reason to be home. But, being home meant I had to deal with the deafening quietness.
I wish with all my heart our financial situation could be different and I could stay home with my babygirl. That’s something I hope to achieve some day.
Until then, I’m thankful my mom is able, wanting and more than happy to help us raise my babygirl while we create a bright future for my Evie 💜✨
Yet, the anxiety is kicking me.
It’s 3:22am, sitting on my glider with my cold water to help deter my mind.
I still have two more weeks of bliss. I’m soaking it in, I’m soaking it all in. Her stares, her smiles, her laugh, her curiosity, her cries, her sweet conversations.
I can’t help but feel this intense, heavy feeling of grief. Because, although many women find it hard to stay home all day and resolve going back to work as part of their identity, I don’t feel that way at all. My heart hurts when I think I have to separate from her, from someone I prayed about, wished upon and longed for for so long.
This is parenting after loss.
If I could have it my way, I would stay home and watch her grow, go on playdates, make my own schedule around her. Slow my life down in order to focus on raising her.
One day.
One day I will get my wish. I know it.
I know I’m not the only mama who feels this way. Some of us have that calling and we know it. This makes going back to work (out of necessity) that much harder on our hearts. But I'd do anything for my rainbow. I will get through this and overcome my pain of leaving her. And, even if I don't, I'm reminded I am providing everything she needs.
I pray for every mama’s heart who went through, is going through and will go through the painful process of going back to work from Maternity Leave. My solidarity and love are with you.
Signed,
A struggling mama ✨
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| I'd do anything for you, sweet sunshine 💜✨ |
Written on January 16, 2024 at 3:22am ✨
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