Week 30 - PAL (Pregnancy After Loss) Journey
Fourth Pregnancy. Fourth Baby. Fourth Journey.
This is the longest I've ever been pregnant and it petrifies me.
Feeling the kicks, hiccups, rolls, punches is the best feeling in the world. Baby reminds me they're here and living their best life.
But, trauma also reminds me that it can be taken at any moment in time. Just last year I felt bliss, peace and felt like I was there. Just a couple weeks til I met my first-born son. Then, in the blink of an eye, it was all ripped from my arms.
How can I possibly hope again?
Check out my older blog post Wavering Faith for deeper thoughts on finding my hope again. It was posted days before we found out we were expecting Baby E! 💛
I wish I had that ignorant bliss of first time mamas. Not know what I know. But I don't. It would be a disservice to me, my future babies and mamas who read this and need to know they're not alone.
This baby, Baby E, has been prayed for by hubby and I. We gave the process to God and just hold on to the promise that the Lord gave me: I WILL BE A MOM TO A LIVING CHILD.
It's so easy sometimes to fall apart. I have days that I give into the pain that weighs on my heart. I don't feel guilty about it nor do I think it's bad. It's actually healthy, considering it's my body's way of releasing the hurt.
Most days, I can enjoy the kicks and punches. I put my hand over my belly, connect with this living child and speak to them like I'm sure they'll be here.
Some days, though, I can't connect. I ignore the kicks. I ignore the movements. I feel so guilty when I do this. It's not Baby E's fault I'll forever grieve their older brother, Luca.
They don't deserve to be ignored.
But, I can't help it because I also feel so fucken guilty for loving another baby...Luca's younger sibling.
This rollercoaster of emotions plays with my mind and heart daily. There is no peace and I accept that, for now.
Grief is a process. I never want to rush this process. I know I will never stop grieving, it'll just look different as time goes on.
Now, I know this looked like I was gonna update on this pregnancy, and I did! What you just read is also part of this journey. It'll be part of the story I tell Baby E...that regardless of the obstacles, they were so wanted, so prayed for, and picked out specifically by their big brother Luca.
Hubby and I feel so much joy thinking of the future, no matter how dark this journey sounds.
We see our future in a different light than most, but we've been wanting to be parents for a long time. Half him and half me.
We truly cannot wait to hold Baby E, love on this child of ours and continue our parenting journey in a way that should've been with our first-born.
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