Full Term - 37 Weeks

Sometimes, intrusive thoughts creep in.

Sometimes, the fear overwhelms my entire body and I feel stuck, frozen, numb.

I know she has sleep cycles, I know her normal, yet, the thought comes up in mind and I start to panic.

Every minute that passes feels like an eternity.

Every moment she’s asleep, the fear inflates the thought of losing her, too.

It’s crippling.

It can happen at home, at work, driving, laying in bed.

How can this be my life?

How can this be my story?

I wish it were different.

It’s love. Love is what makes this mama’s heart fear for your life, my sweet little love.

I hope you come before your due date. That way I spend less time imagining you and more time holding you, watching you breathe, moving.

Waiting for you, my sweet babygirl 💜

✨ Originally written August 31, 2023 ✨

Comments

She's Here! - Evie's Birth Story ✨

Evie's Birth Story After everything we have been through, the greatest gift the Lord gave me was an "easy" pregnancy. Now, I put quotation marks around easy because, in theory, it was easy. I was considered high risk due to my son's stillbirth ( Luca's birth story ), so we received extra appointments, extra tests, extra ultrasounds, extra monitoring and all the extras we could receive to bring babygirl earthside. Starting at 32 weeks I began the consecutive appointments, starting with a growth scan that showed me my babygirl's sweet face! I did NSTs (non stress test), BPPs ( biophysical profile ultrasound) and growth scans twice a week and an additional appointment for gestational diabetes and growth conversation with my MFM (maternal fetal medicine - high risk) doctor. As you can imagine, it gave me a sense of control and peace that I was doing the absolute most I could possible do for my girl. My perfect babygirl at 32 weeks 💜 Evie had been measuring a...

Back to work…End of Maternity Leave

Back to work from Maternity Leave… What a brutal awakening. How short-lived. How eye-opening. What intense guilt. If you’ve read my other posts you’d know that all I’ve ever wanted is to be a mama. Watch my babies grow up, hit their milestones and watch them as they conquer a new growth spurt or sleep regression. Roll, crawl, walk for the first time. Going back to work takes that from me. I’m more likely to miss those milestones working full time. It's so hard to even picture a moment without my blessing, my answered prayer. When I went back to work after I had my Luca, back in 2022, I had an empty room, empty arms and a hole in my heart. I had no reason to go back to work and no reason to be home. But, being home meant I had to deal with the deafening quietness. I wish with all my heart our financial situation could be different and I could stay home with my babygirl. That’s something I hope to achieve some day. Until then, I’m thankful my mom is able, wanting a...

Mom guilt…

An unavoidable feeling… MOM GUILT. “I haven’t visited his space since the first time we went with Evie…” “I didn’t decorate his space for Christmas…” “Am I doing enough for him?” “Does he feel left out?” “Am I failing him as his mama?” “God, I hope he knows how much I love him…” How can I not feel guilt when I’ve neglected his resting space? How can I not feel guilt when all my attention has been to surviving this newborn haze? How can I not feel guilt when I wish I could give my Luca the world and I can’t… Having a second child is so hard, not because I don’t love them equally…but because I have to love them DIFFERENTLY. The differences show up daily. In how I can hug my sweet babygirl and not my firstborn. In how I can gaze into my Evie’s sweet eyes and not my Luca. In how I can smile at her and see a smile back…oh how I wish I could’ve had that with my Luca. I miss him so much IT HURTS. I wish I could see him walking around, shouting with his cute, high pitch ...

It’s Anita’s Life

Search This Blog