Wavering Faith

 No, Lord! Why?

How could you? I hate you!  - You promised me my rainbow. You told me during worship I’d have a son. - How could you take him…

I grew up catholic, with all the “requirements” done - baptized, first communion, confirmation - I grew up being obedient to God in a way I couldn’t question Him; “it’s not our place.”

My belief system was built on oppression of self. Whatever happens is because God wanted it, period. I didn’t have the “right” to question anything that happened in my life.

Back in 2007, when my grandpa (mom’s dad) passed away, all I was left with was “That’s how God wanted it” and so much heartache. I felt so much anger, hopelessness and sorrow, by myself…because I “dare not question God.”

After all, that’s the way I was taught to deal with loss…suppress my emotions and not dare question Him.

Ever since accepting Christ in my heart and becoming a Christian back in 2009, I have found an incredible freedom, freedom from the religious rules I grew up with. All I’ve ever known.

Since then, I’ve visited many churches and have learned so much about what it truly means to be a follower of Christ. What it means to be free in my Savior!

The church that has revolutionized the way my faith works, the way I cope and process such incredible loss is my current home, RTLA (Restauración Total Los Angeles). My pastor, Pastor Javier Buelna, has taught me, through his preaching, how important and healthy it is to question God during hard losses of life.

What? Question GOD? Isn’t that, like, blasphemy? 

Right? When I first learned of this freedom, I was just as confused! I had a million questions! 

But, bottom line, you are allowed and even encouraged by God to question Him! You just gotta be prepared to hear His response.

Let me explain. 

Questioning God out of love, out of reverence, out of curiosity, with the same faith that held you before your tribulation is not the same as questioning God without faith, without inquiring an answer and without love. 

As to say, you can feel all the emotions: anger, sorrow, confusion, disappointment and any other emotion brought by the tragedy. You are allowed. You are human, after all! All of that can co-exist with loving God and knowing that you may never really know the WHY of your tragedy.

I am still navigating this grief and I know it will never end, it will simply change with time. The loss of my son will always weigh heavy on my chest because he’ll always be my son, the missing member of my little family, my first-born and a big part of my heart.

Through it all, even before, during and after Luca’s birth, God was present. We saw Him in our sweet nurse, Vita, in our intake OB, in the OB who delivered our sweet Luca, Dr. Mitchell, who was kind, supportive, informed us of so much and reminded me of God’s power being greater than himself.

I haven’t been back to church and, honestly, I’m not sure how soon I’ll be back. It’s been such a hard process and I want to acknowledge my mental health and prioritize my well-being. 

Facing people in our church who prayed with us so, so hard, we’re so excited to attend our baby shower and couldn’t wait to see our baby Luca at church…it’s just too much for me right now. 

I love God and my relationship with Jesus is my own. I know it’s strong. I know I’ll be back, but I’m just not sure when that will be. He knows my heart, He knows my soul. He loves me regardless of my anger, disappointment, confusion and whatever else this broken heart feels.

I hope that reading this gave you hope. Wherever you are in your journey, whatever your tribulation or tragedy is. No matter how much you think you have pushed God away…

Because He is our Father, He will never desert you. The Lord will never be so far away that you can never come back to Him, to His Holy Spirit.

In my deepest, darkest moments, that’s when I’ve felt God closest. 

He loves you. 

And so do I 🤍

I pray this brings you peace and if you know this pain, I’m so sorry. 

- Signed, a Loss Mama who is holding onto her faith ✨